I remember you | Imagine that




The truth is that I remember you

I remember you in spite of facts

In spite of benefit or sanity

Or fate

Or clarity

I remember you

In moments of uncharacteristic weakness

In dreams after which I wake up furious

Apparently subconscious consent is ambiguous

And the truth is that I hate that

I remember you

When caught in errant wafts of camel smoke

Or maybe it’s Marlboro

Who the hell knows— it happens

Occasionally, sometimes

I remember you

On no street in particular

On no specific day or time

Whenever, wherever

If a cloud of formaldehyde resides

I remember you

I swore I wouldn’t— but I do

And in those moments

It’s as if

You hadn’t lied

To her

To me

Like some pathological banshee

Ignorant of accountability

I remember you

And in those moments

Possibly, perhaps

The bond remains in tact

Imagine that

Imagine the bridge survived the fire

Imagine you hadn’t forced me

Into retiring

My feelings

My feelings as they died like beings

Imagine that

I remember you

Like a car crash

Like a last chance

Like lungs

Or drugs

Or truth

I remember you

And when those moments are over

Once again we are ash

So please

Inhale deep

May the cigarettes end you

Before I do


I remember you

Fuck you

I remember you

a. duncan, 2019


(Video recitation features the beautiful music of composer Ben Laver: https://www.benlaver.com/)

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Amor et melle et felle est fecundissimus || Love is rich with both honey and venom

36 thoughts on “I remember you | Imagine that

    1. Right?? Smell is such a potent recollection device. As is sound. The senses can be time machines and ghosts, sometimes. Thank you for reading and for relating. That means the most to me when the experience of the words is shared and understood! 🖤

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Beautiful. You described it so spot on—what it feels like being the survivor of a crash, a wreck of a relationship. Like they are a phantom limb that still has the ability to stop you in your tracks and catch you unaware.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you my darling one. Yes, you captured it perfectly with the phantom limb! Something there, remembered strongly in the sensory, but essentially useless. And we know that – but can’t seem to shake the memory. This piece was inspired by few different members of my past who are sometimes conjured by that tendency. Not all were lovers and not all were smokers, but the metaphor speaks for all of them. Intangible and bittersweet. Yet vivid and agonizing. Thank you so much for seeing to the heart of this poem. 🖤💀♥️

      Liked by 2 people

      1. My writing is the same way. Sometimes I will write a piece and it’s dedicated to a comprised set of experiences, or something intangible, or everyone who ever hurt me in some way. Other times it’s to one specific person. That’s the beauty of the art, I love it.

        I so enjoy your mind. Thank you for sharing it with us ♥️

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Raw, powerful and vivid! You have a beautiful talent for such evocative snapshots (in this instance through cigarette smoke) & listening to your poems is soothing and silken even when baring such painful memories. Like slipping on a thick cosy dressing gown edged with hard diamonds. Wonderful work, April! 😀

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Tom! Such a luscious description, “edged with hard diamonds”. I’m wild about this image! You always make me feel so felt and heard. I can’t tell you how nice that is. I tend to think of poems as snapshots! Brief but powerful moments in time that deserve depiction. Each forming a larger picture of an idea, a mind, a heart, a journey. A rich photographic accounting of the human experience. Thank you for the kind and utterly lovely words! Xoxo

      Liked by 1 person

      1. It’ll be about both fox kits venturing into a farmhouse & facing different hazards, just trying to come up with a snappy title for it (as Dusksilver discovers her inner bravery). Any sparks of inspiration that spring to mind? xxx

        Liked by 1 person

      2. *squeals* Oh my this is too exciting for words. I love those kits like my own! 😉

        Hmm, it’s hard to suggest a title idea without absorbing the piece darling. For some reason I keep thinking of “silver lining” because of Dusksilver’s name but not sure how you could incorporate the two or if that even makes sense with the tale.

        Also.. if I’m able to make a request…? Something in future stories I would love to see: Deer… I adore deer. They are very somewhat vulnerable yet spiritual animals in my eyes. xo

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Sounds like a lovely title! I know just how I can fit it into the story! Thanks ever so much for such great inspiration! ❤

        And sure! Deer sounds like a fab future story idea 🦌

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Ooh, sounds very intriguing – good way to convey a stag’s majesty or a fawn’s innocence *cue Bambi flashbacks*. Great idea! ❤ Promise it won't be as violent as the other stories! xxx

        Liked by 1 person

      5. Oh thank you!!!! I was going to ask that you not allow anything violent or brutal to happen to or around the fawn / doe / stag but I resisted because they are your stories and I don’t want you to restrain your creativity whatsoever. But I am wildly relieved that you volunteered. I love them so much ❤ Can't wait Tom

        Liked by 1 person

      6. ❤ ❤ ❤ Yeah, sure! Would make a nice change to tame down the action for once 😀 🦌🦊 Sounds like a great way to have that contrast between this huge powerful imposing Great Stag / Lord of the Forest vs this small bumbling ball of cuteness wobbling along behind it. 😀 Looking forward to your thoughts / recording of my next story this Friday! ❤

        Liked by 1 person

      7. Also I promise this one won’t be nearly as violent as the previous two! (There’s some scary moments in it with a housecat, sure, but nothing like the previous stories) 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

    1. *blushes* Rob, thank you. I had hoped you’d connect with this piece! I was inspired after our discussion about people’s aversion to “negative” emotion. Our tendency to fear being labeled angry. This piece is my way of excising various ghosts from my past. I started to write it more vaguely, more “diplomatically”— and that felt so damn inauthentic. I recalled our discussion and decided to let the raw feelings guide me. I’m glad I did. Even more glad you liked it.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Sometimes, we are at the mercy of our memories, like we are a captive in some sinister parade of them, an endless carousel complete with sickly music. I join your rendition of ‘fuck you’ to this person and their invasion of you and your thoughts. The reminders of them… The poem is graceful and magnificent, the emotion raw but expressed so beautifully. I don’t think you can wrote anything I do not love and admire. 💜🌺

    Liked by 1 person

    1. “an endless carousel complete with sickly music.”

      This. So much this. !!!!

      I want to hug you infinitely for sharing in my contempt. For wanting to help me relinquish those banshees of memory. It’s so comforting when women are protective of one another. I too am ready with a switchblade for the recollections that haunt you, my dear.

      Thank you, thank you, thank you.

      ps. (I’m still out of my mind in love with the piece I just read on your page so forgive my impassioned words of gratitude!) ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I have read this over and then over… It grabs at that fierce instinct within to protect, to fight. I feel haunted by some of the lines:
        “Imagine you hadn’t forced me
        Into retiring
        My feelings
        My feelings as they died like beings
        Imagine that”

        Standing right beside you gorgeous friend (and thank you for such lovely words about my poem!)

        Liked by 1 person

  4. The memories and smell of a particular time and place where it takes you back to that moment in a relationship that went sour or other things that have put us in that dark corner and say; Fuck you.

    I know this feeling too well. You said it expressively and deeply profound poetic brilliant. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Hey, again! Wow, your poetry is so raw and kind of refreshing. I mean, it opens the doors of your imagination.
    I especially liked this line,
    “And when those moments are over
    Once again we are ash”
    It just resonated with me, somehow.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi! Aw! Thank you ever so kindly. I am so flattered by your descriptions of my work. I have always felt like poetry should be raw …. to me, art is a wild instinct.

      You mention one of my favorite lines! Ash has been a frequent theme for me as of late. It’s a powerful metaphor for endings as well as rebirth. I look forward to checking out your writing as well. What themes have you been manifesting lately?

      Liked by 1 person

      1. My pleasure, April. A wild instinct? That’s a wonderful way to describe art. I wish it came that naturally to me though. I often fall into a slump.
        That’s beautiful. Reminds me of a phoenix. It hasn’t been a particular theme for me but I’ve noticed that many of my poems have lanes and rivers in them

        Liked by 1 person

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