where you are

Shawn Michael Bann..

I am writing this to you in the hope that my words travel from this page, no – from my aching heart – to yours. Somewhere in the spirit realm. Where you now reside ad infinitum.

Where you bask in the bliss of the after.

Where you have shed all semblance of earthly suffering.

Where you linger in indescribable Elysium.

I tell myself to seek comfort in this. In believing where you are, is somewhere… beautiful. I try to wrap myself in the solace of your gains as I silently count my losses. The absolute peace and otherworldly wisdom. The kind that can only be revealed in the end.

Where you are there is music.

Where you are there is rapture.

Where you are there is freedom.

But the unflattering truth is that I often wrestle with the concept of consolation. Because I am not where you are. I am… here. And here is anywhere but where you are. I am still human with flesh that dimples in the cold. I am still perfectly imperfect. Tethered by gravity and curiosity to a world where the living collect an inheritance of sorrow from the dead.

Where I ponder what I could have done, or said, differently.

Where I surrender to the agony of your absence.

Where I dream about succeeding in saving you.

I miss you, Shawn. And knowing on some level that’s incredibly selfish of me doesn’t make it any less true. Nor does it make wanting you to come back ever leave my mind. I often resent fate for bringing you back to me just in time to lose you again.

I will continue to honor you and your memory. As will so many others who think of you and smile fondly. I will keep a watchful eye over those who loved you most – your family. Their grief in losing you has been tremendous.

Where you are there is knowledge of the divine plan, of the architecture of all things, of the intrinsic motivations, of the reasons…. even when they cause great pain.

Where you are is too far away and too permanent to feel real, most days.

So we wait for that other day when our ending meets a deeply longed for beginning.

And what a joyful reunion that will be…. to be there, where you are, together again.


Fox & Bird Forever



ps. Thank you for Caroline. And for the cab ride….



‘Fox And Raven’ by Sylvia Parkinson Brown at the Chimera Gallery




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Amor et melle et felle est fecundissimus || Love is rich with both honey and venom

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